Self

Effective conflict resolution starts with understanding and managing your natural reactions to conflict. From an early age, we develop automatic thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that influence how we handle disagreements. Recognizing and improving these patterns is key to success.

Many training programs focus on techniques but overlook the importance of addressing these ingrained responses. Without this step, progress can feel slow and frustrating.

Three areas are most important for improving how you respond to conflict:

1. Conflict Mindset – How you view and approach conflict.

2. Anxiety Management – How you handle stress during conflict.

3. Feedback Adaptation – How you adjust based on input from others.

Building self-awareness in these areas creates a strong base for resolving conflicts effectively. 3

Our Implicit Theories of Conflict

Implicit theories are the beliefs we hold about ideas like intelligence, leadership, power, and conflict. These hidden assumptions shape how we approach and respond to conflict.

A key difference lies between two mindsets:

  • Individuals with this mindset view conflict as a zero-sum game with limited resources. They are more competitive, avoid voicing concerns, struggle in negotiations, and experience higher anxiety and hostility.

  • Individuals with this mindset see conflict as dynamic and changeable. They are more open to solutions, less aggressive, and better at engaging across groups.

Most people don’t stick to just one mindset. Instead, their beliefs shift based on context and social cues. For effective Conflict Intelligence (CIQ), it’s important to recognize that conflicts are both stable and changeable. Balancing these mindsets helps achieve better results.

Research shows that negotiators who combine fixed and growth approaches often achieve the best outcomes. 4

Our Responses to Conflict Anxiety 

Conflict often triggers anxiety and stress, influencing how we react. Research identifies six common response patterns to conflict anxiety:

1. Over-Involved vs. Avoidant: Engaging too much or withdrawing completely.

2. Hard and Unyielding vs. Soft and Passive: Being overly rigid or excessively accommodating.

3. Rigid vs. Flexible: Sticking to fixed ideas or adapting to the situation.

4. Rational vs. Emotionally Driven: Prioritizing logic or letting emotions take over.

5. Escalating vs. Minimizing: Amplifying the issue or downplaying its importance.

6. Revealing vs. Concealing Information: Sharing too much or withholding critical details.

Extreme reactions, like being overly rigid or emotional, often lead to poor outcomes and lower well-being. Balanced responses—combining rationality with emotional awareness—tend to result in better conflict resolution.

As Aristotle said, “Virtue is the golden mean between two vices.” By becoming aware of your habitual reactions, you can adjust and improve your conflict management. This growth can be supported through self-assessments, training, coaching, or therapy.

Citations: Coleman & Chan, 2023; Deutsch, 1993; Brittle, 2024.

Our Capacity to Self-Monitor and

Self-Regulate in Conflict 

Improving Conflict Intelligence (CIQ) starts with managing our emotions and behaviors during conflict. This involves recognizing our automatic reactions and learning to control them.

Conflict often triggers strong emotions that disrupt clear thinking. Stressful situations activate emotional responses, making it harder to approach problems strategically. Techniques such as taking a break, reflecting, or practicing role-playing can help calm emotions and enhance problem-solving.

By developing self-awareness and self-regulation, we can respond to conflicts more constructively. These essential skills are the foundation of building higher CIQ.

Citations: Mischel et al., 2014.

Self-Conflict IQ Toolkit